| A letter I sent to the Disney Corporation |
[23 Nov 2009|02:35pm] |
Hello,
My name is Alex and I live in Tucson, Arizona. Although this letter concerns a very serious trademark infringement issue, I would like to start by commending your company for nearly a century of wonderfully lighthearted animation and its associated successful marketing strategies. Not only am I mad about the mouse, I’m mad about the ads about the mouse.
 Recently while browsing the World Wide Web, I stumbled across something most troubling concerning an infringement of your intellectual property. Please review the attached photo as well as my analysis below. After consulting your legal department, please advise me as to our next plan of action regarding this matter.
As you can clearly see in the photo (hereafter referred to as "Exhibit A"), the infringement in question concerns a tattoo featuring the unmistakable trademarked image of your lovable character, Mickey Mouse, captioned by the word "Brat" in colorful balloon-style lettering. Please be advised that I am in the process of contacting MGA Entertainment to help determine if this could be a partial infringement of the popular "Bratz" toy line.
Behind Mickey's head is a large round object, which is likely a gaseous planet on a tilted axis within its stellar orbit around the purple star at the right side of the tattoo. It is unclear in Exhibit A whether or not Mickey's head is within its own satellite orbit of the planet, though it is unlikely due to the fact that Mickey's head is placed in front of the "Brat" lettering. Please note that I will be contacting a planetary physicist at my local university for further analysis.
It is clear that this tattoo infringes upon your longstanding trademark of the image of Mickey Mouse in a way that is likely viewable by literally half-dozens of people every day. Should you ever elect to open an official franchise of Disney tattoo parlors at any point in the future, you have obviously lost potential revenue from this consumer.
Also, your brand is not presented in a favorable context within this tattoo. It is widely known that Mickey Mouse exclusively inhabits the earth and not any purple-blue planets that are roughly 3.5 times the size of his head. On that subject, it is worth noting that Mickey's body is suspiciously absent in Exhibit A, possibly implying the violent decapitation of the mouse and the expulsion of his disembodied head into the orbit of an unknown solar system, which I'm sure we can agree would be a particularly bratty thing to do.
Please contact me to confirm your receipt of this letter. If you decide that this tattoo does in fact wrongfully infringe upon your established trademark, I would like to personally help you track down its owner and order them to cease and desist having this tattoo on his or her person.
Conversely, please let me know if you decide that this tattoo does not infringe your trademark as I would like to get this exact tattoo for myself.
Thank you in advance. I look forward to your reply.
Yours truly,
Alex Italics
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| A letter I sent to Price Stern Sloan / Penguin Group |
[06 Mar 2009|01:26pm] |
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Hello,  My name is Alex and I live in Tucson, Arizona. Before I begin I would like to commend your company for being the publisher of the popular Mad Libs series. Beloved for years by millions, Mad Libs has been instrumental in helping children understand parts of speech in an entertaining and engaging format. All things considered, I think you guys make very [ADJECTIVE] books. I am writing you this letter to suggest three new book ideas for the Mad Libs series. It is my understanding that you occasionally publish Mad Libs books that center around a specific theme, such as your collection of speeches from American history, so I hope you will be open to other ideas within that general vein. Please review the following ideas and let me know what you think, although I pretty much already know that you will think they're [VERY POSITIVE ADJECTIVE].
God Libs: The Mad Libs Bible! Hallelujah! Finally, a full edition of the Christian bible in the Mad Libs style. Religious conversion has never been zanier! Laughs be with you, my brothers and sisters!
EXCERPT: "'I [PAST-TENSE VERB], and there before me was a pale [ANIMAL]! Its rider was named Death, and Hades was following [ADVERB] behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by [NOUN], [NOUN] and [NOUN], and by the [ADJECTIVE] beasts of the earth.' Revelations 6:8"
Dead Libs: The Mad Libs Book of Last Statements of Executed Criminals! Pardon me, but I do believe that kids will have a gas with this electrifying collection of real-life sentiments of condemned prisoners as they face their impending mortality. Inject a dose of hilarity into your day! Ready... Aim... Laugh! EXCERPT: "'It was done out of fear, stupidity and [NOUN]. It wasn't until I got locked up and saw the newspaper; I saw his [NOUN] and smile and I realized I had killed a good [NOUN].' Johnathan Moore, executed in Texas on Jan. 17, 2007." Cad Libs: The Mad Libs Book of Erotic Stories! Now grown-ups can get in on the fun with this collection of racy literature guaranteed to tickle not just your funny bone. This collection will surely leave you begging for harder and faster laughs! EXCERPT: "As he [ADVERB] put his [NOUN] on her [PLURAL NOUN], she couldn't contain her [NOUN] any longer. '[EXCLAMATION],' she cried out as she [PAST-TENSE VERB] his [BODY PART]. 'Don't stop! [VERB] me, you [OBSCENE ADJECTIVE] [NOUN]!'"
I am very excited by the prospect of working with your company on these books. Although I am willing to negotiate my salary, please understand that I am not able to accept less than [NUMBER] dollars in compensation for your company's use of my ideas. I understand that new ventures can be difficult to justify in these tough economic times. However, please keep in mind that you can always find a little money to throw at this project by firing [NAME OF PERSON IN ROOM]. Thank you in advance. I look forward to your reply. Just go ahead and instruct your lawyers draft a contract for this deal I will have my lawyer fill in all the parts of speech. Yours [ADVERB], Alex Italics
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| A letter I posted on Craigslist |
[27 Feb 2009|03:36pm] |
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Hello, My name is Alex and I live in Tucson, Arizona. Are you or is someone you know in a local band? If so, I am pleased to announce that I am officially offering my services to the Tucson music community! I am interested in professionally criticizing your band. I have been a semi-regular freelance faultfinder in the Tucson music scene for several years, and I am always eager to find new local artists that I absolutely can't stand.  Here's how it works: I'll come to one of your shows and/or practices and non-constructively criticize your band. It may be in the form of cross-armed eye rolls, a detailed analysis of your musical shortcomings, or even just the occasional obscenity bellowed towards your general direction in between songs. I like to vary my methods based on the general flow of the event, but I'm certainly open to requests. Are you completely void of any semblance of talent? Are you a songwriting hack that liberally plagiarizes from your influences? Does your "fan base" exclusively consist of people who share your last name? Does your demo album totally blow? If I answered yes to any of these questions about your band (and boy did I ever), I want to work with you! And let me tell you, I am thorough! Whenever possible, I like to do a little background research on my clients by approaching their acquaintances to discover embarrassing personal anecdotes about the band's members and integrate it into my criticism, regardless of whether or not they are musical in nature. Please rest assured that any and all information obtained by me during this process will remain strictly confidential until they are deliberately spread by me through word-of-mouth or etched into bathroom walls in your area. My specialties include: - Accusations of Musical Incompetence
- Ridiculing Your Physical Appearance/Wardrobe
- Forecasting Your Perpetual Failure
- Belittling Your Dreams
- Breaking Your Spirit
- Se Habla Español (Profanity only)
Please don't wait any longer, contact me right away! I am eager to work with your band at your next upcoming show. I have group rates available if you are playing with other acts that would like to be criticized, and I can handle a wide variety of musical styles. No band is too good for my criticism, especially yours! Thank you in advance. I look forward to your reply. And remember: If you're even the least bit satisfied, you don't have to pay! Yours truly, Alex Italics
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( A response from J.J. Avila )
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| A letter I sent to CliffsNotes |
[29 Oct 2008|01:08pm] |
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Hello,  My name is Alex and I live in Tucson, Arizona. For obvious reasons, I’ll keep this brief. With your approval, I would like to start an official CliffsNotes Book Club for the purpose of preparing its members for other book club meetings. Like many other social reading organizations, this club would spotlight one of your summarized literature study guides each month and organize get-togethers to discuss the CliffsNotes book in question. CliffsNotes Book Clubs will meet once each month to discuss the reading assignment. These meetings will occur at approximately 2:00am on the night before a traditionally formatted book club slated to discuss the full length version of the same book assigned to the CliffsNotes Book Club. Coffee and Red Bull will be provided with member dues, as well as a complimentary bowl of ephedrine and Ritalin. Attendance at the meetings will be mandatory, and any absence will only be excused with a handwritten note that loosely resembles the penmanship of an adult. However, meetings times will be subject to changes pending any killer social activities or entertaining alcohol-related distractions that will obviously take priority. You know what? This already sounds like too much work. I think I’ll just start a movie watching club instead. Yours truly, Alex Italics
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| A letter I sent to the American Safety Razor Company |
[28 Jul 2008|01:05am] |
Hello,
 My name is Alex and I live in Tucson, Arizona. I have a proposal of the utmost importance for your company that I’m certain will be mutually beneficial to both of our interests.
I would like to begin by commending your company for being the current owners of the Burma-Shave product. Although to my knowledge the original product was discontinued several decades ago, your company has kept the dream alive by acquiring the Burma-Shave name and reintroducing the popular shaving cream during the last 10 years.
The impact of your product in the realm of shaving technique and technology is eclipsed perhaps only by its famously unique approach to marketing. As you are undoubtedly aware, Burma-Shave enjoyed a dramatic boost in sales during the mid-20th century after a shrewd nationwide advertising campaign featured consecutively spaced miniature roadside billboards with catchy four-verse rhymes. The intended effect of these billboards was to capture the interest of passing motorists and instill brand name recognition to be recalled the next time the consumer browsed the shaving needs aisle of his local grocery store. Sadly, these billboards virtually disappeared from American highways over 40 years ago.
Switching gears a little bit, I have recently been pondering the idea that I will someday expire and shuffle off this mortal coil. I may still be young, but fate can be a fickle mistress and one simply cannot be underprepared when it comes to funeral arrangements. Although my memory will surely live on among those whose lives I have affected, my only chance at achieving widespread personal “brand name recognition” is with a memorable tombstone epitaph.
That’s where Burma-Shave comes into the picture!
I would like to sell advertising space to your company on my tombstone. More specifically, I intend to purchase five or six adjacent grave plots from a local cemetery and erect five or six independent tombstones on each burial plot with a verse of my epitaph in the famous Burma-Shave style. When mourners pass by my gravesite(s), their grief will be momentarily interrupted by a friendly rhyme and a reminder that Burma-Shave is still tops in the shaving game. As they leave the cemetery, two names will stay in their minds: yours and mine.
Although I insist on having your crack advertising team involved in the writing process of my epitaph, I have prepared a few examples of what I had in mind:
HERE LIES ALEX / REST IN PEACE / SADLY DROWNED / IN LATHER GREASE / SHOULD HAVE USED / BURMA-SHAVE!
HERE LIES ALEX / FOOD FOR WORMS / FROM THIRD DEGREE / RAZOR BURNS / SHOULD HAVE USED / BURMA-SHAVE!
HERE LIES ALEX / WEEP NOT FOR HIM / FOR THOUGH HE ROTS / HIS BEARD STAYS TRIM / THANKS TO / BURMA-SHAVE! Those are just a few quick examples, but I’m sure you get the idea. I hope you can see the positive impact this proposal will have on Burma-Shave sales, as I intend to purchase gravesites as close to the street as possible. I do hope we can work this out as the next letter I write will be to whoever came up with those billboards that blow smoke rings. I wanted to give you guys first crack.
Thank you in advance. I look forward to your reply. Please contact me immediately to discuss rates, rhymes, and ribbon cutting. I will be contacting several cemeteries in my town to inquire about grave plot availability.
Yours truly,
-Alex Italics
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| A letter I sent to Alex Jones |
[16 Apr 2008|03:57am] |
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Hello, My name is Alex and I live in Tucson, Arizona. First of all, I would like to congratulate you on a fantastic career of explosive journalism.  I am writing to inform you about a clandestine meeting place in California for an ominous secret society that warrants your immediate infiltration and investigation. It involves high levels of confidentiality, the privileged bourgeoisie elite, and a talking bird.
Do you know the place I’m talking about? Nope, you’re probably thinking of Bohemian Grove, the northern California destination of the annual Bohemian Club encampment, famous for attracting a crowd that represents the highest echelons of political and economic power for a fun-filled summer of pretend Druidic rituals and musical stage comedies, all shrouded in a thick shell of needless secrecy. What am I saying? Of course you remember Bohemian Grove! You infiltrated it back in 2000 with a secret handheld camera and videotaped the silly Cremation of the Care ritual much to the dismay of the Bohemian Club members. Anyway, the place I’m talking about is just a little further south… This society was conceived in 1964 for the purpose of conducting closed-door meetings among a limited group of wealthy aristocrats. Originally the brainchild of a dark, looming overlord, this secret institution ostracizes the working class by requiring exorbitant membership dues as well as lengthy waiting periods for new members. You must already be aware of the infamous organization to which I am referring: Club 33 at the Disneyland Park in Anaheim, California. Holding the unique distinction as the only source for alcohol within Disneyland, Club 33 is an off-the-map restaurant located in New Orleans Square available by reservation to members only. Walt Disney himself designed Club 33, although his death five months before the grand opening prevented him from ever seeing its completion. Nevertheless, his picture adorns several walls of Club 33 as a not-so-subtle reminder that Big Brother and his little mouse friend are watching. The parallels between Club 33 and the Bohemian Club are uncanny and can’t possibly be the result of coincidence, right down to the aforementioned talking bird. As you know, the Cremation of the Care ritual at Bohemian Grove features a large owl statue (allegedly symbolic of Moloch) voiced by that vile, evil coconspirator Walter Cronkite. Club 33 “coincidentally” has an animatronic vulture that was designed to greet and interact with members as they dined. If nothing else, the members of Club 33 (like the Bohemian Club) sure seem to be big fans of secrets. If your journalism style has taught me anything it’s that secrecy always equals evil, even with only flimsy, speculative, and circumstantial supporting evidence. Mr. Jones, the time has come for us to expose this despicable place and all who enter. I would be honored if you would join me in this crusade, document it on film, and sell a packaged DVD of our findings on your website. Although one cannot put a price on journalistic freedom, I’m sure your standard rate of $19.95 ought to suffice. As a title, I suggest Club 33: The Deadliest Place on Earth, but I’m open to suggestions. Let me know if you come up with something else unrealistic yet provocative. Thank you in advance. I look forward to your reply. I have taken the liberty of writing to Disneyland and outlining our forthcoming efforts to blow this story wide open. Yours truly,
-Alex Italics
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| A letter I sent to the International Time Capsule Society |
[16 Apr 2008|03:52am] |
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Hello,  My name is Alex and I live in Tucson, Arizona. I would like to commend your organization for maintaining a thorough catalog of the various time capsules buried by generations past, present, and future. Like most people, I find the concept of the time capsule to be a fascinating way to transmit messages into the future, somewhat like a feasible form of time travel. It’s very exciting to me, and I am eagerly working on several time capsules of my own.
With that in mind, I wish to register a series of my time capsules with your organization so that they may be preserved and unsealed at the appropriate time. I would like your organization to notify the appropriate party immediately when the designated time has elapsed and to relay the messages contained within the time capsules. The first time capsule I would like to register contains the following message: "AS A REPRESENTATIVE OF ALL THE CITIZENS OF EARTH FROM ALL WALKS AND CULTURES FROM OUR TIME, I SEND MY WARMEST REGARDS TO YOU, THE CITIZENS OF THE FUTURE EARTH, AND I HUMBLY BEAR THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE ON THEIR BEHALF: ALEX. BUY MILK AND BREAD. CHECK AND SEE IF THERE'S ANY PEANUT BUTTER LEFT."
I would like this time capsule to be opened exactly one week from today. Please notify me directly at that time. The second time capsule I would like to register contains the following message: "WE OFFER OUR GREETINGS TO YOU, THE FUTURE INHABITANTS OF EARTH. THOUGH WE ARE SEPARATED BY A VAST OCEAN OF TIME, WE OFFER THIS MESSAGE TO YOU SO THAT YOU MAY UNDERSTAND OUR PEOPLE AND OUR CULTURE: DON’T FORGET, ALEX! YOUR MOTHER’S BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW. GET HER SOMETHING NICE."
I would like this time capsule to be opened every year on the 15th of October, indefinitely. The third time capsule I would like to register contains the following message: "FROM A SOCIETY WHICH WILL UNDOUBTEDLY BE SEEN AS PRIMITIVE TO WHOMEVER SHALL OPEN THIS CAPSULE, WE OFFER A GLIMPSE INTO OUR TIME, OUR THOUGHTS, OUR WAY OF LIFE. THIS CAPSULE, SEALED WITH THE EMBLEM OF HOPE, IS OUR ATTEMPT TO SURVIVE OUR TIME AND LIVE INTO YOURS. FOR THAT PURPOSE, WE OFFER YOU THIS MESSAGE: HEY, ALEX. YOU REMEMBER THAT JEFF GUY FROM HIGH SCHOOL? SURE YOU DO. HE DROVE THAT BLUE CAR WITH THE FLAME DECALS ON IT. YEAH, THAT'S HIM. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT GUY?"
I would like this time capsule to either be opened in 18 months or the next time I see a blue car with flame decals (whichever comes first). I have several other time capsules that I would also like to register with your organization, but it will take some time to have them transferred from my appointment book. Thank you in advance. I look forward to your reply. Please do not hesitate to contact me with any questions, but be sure to mark the date you intend for it to be opened clearly on the envelope. Yours truly,
-Alex Italics
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| A letter I sent to Keep America Beautiful |
[05 Jan 2008|04:38am] |
Hello,
My name is Alex and I live in Tucson, Arizona. I would like to ask for your assistance in promoting a very serious issue, but first I would like to commend your organization for all your efforts in waste reduction, recycling and the general beautification of America. You guys make the universe a much nicer place to call home!
 The issue I would like to address concerns a major function of Keep America Beautiful: litter prevention. On your website, you say that "everyone shares a personal responsibility to help prevent litter in their community." I couldn't agree more. I consider the careless disregard of our natural environment to be one of those most short-sighted and easily preventable sins of humanity.
On that note, there is a particular type of littering that I have adopted as a pet cause, but so far I have failed to win over any supporters. I am writing to you in the hopes that you will join me in my fight in bringing this topic to the forefront of modern environmental debate.
The Mars Pathfinder Mission was an exploratory spacecraft that launched on December 4th, 1996 and landed safely on the surface of Mars on July 4th, 1997. Although only initially expected to return data for approximately seven days, the Sojourner Rover exceeded all expectations by spending 83 days traversing over 300 feet of Martian surface. During this time, the Pathfinder lander and Soujourner Rover captured and digitally returned thousands of photographs and millions of atmospheric measurements. There is no question that our knowledge of Martian conditions expanded exponentially as a result of the Mars Pathfinder Mission, and some even call it NASA's greatest success.
The Soujourner Rover stopped communicating with Earth on September 27th, 1997, and the project was officially terminated on March 10th, 1998. Since then, the Pathfinder lander and Sojourner Rover have remained abandoned on the surface of Mars. Because there are no current plans to retrieve the equipment (and they are no longer of scientific use), I’m sure you’ll agree that the Mars Pathfinder fits the definition of "litter" and should therefore be immediately removed from the surface of Mars and disposed of in a proper receptacle.
This is no ordinary litter. Weighing in at over 600 pounds, the Mars Pathfinder lander and rover are about as environmentally friendly as a Hummer filled with Styrofoam peanuts. That's over a quarter ton of material that wouldn't even be biodegradable if Mars had an atmosphere where biodegradation could occur. It's just sitting there like a $250,000,000 paperweight while NASA turns a blind eye.
I'm sure you can see that as an environmentally-conscious person I am absolutely disgusted by this. I have provided the responsible parties from the Mars Pathfinder Mission at NASA with a formal declaration of the unlawfulness of their actions and a request to remove the Pathfinder litter immediately. I urge you to closely monitor their litter removal efforts despite the fact that the polluting is occurring slightly outside of America's physical borders. Please keep in mind that this was an American mission, and therefore it is Americans who must take action.
I hope you will join me in this crusade to hold those who litter responsible for their actions before it is too late. NASA has already landed two additional rovers (Spirit and Opportunity) on the Martian surface, and the Mars Science Laboratory (weighing over 1700 pounds) will launch next year. However, there are no plans to have any of this equipment removed from the surface of Mars after the missions are complete. It is clear than NASA will not stop until they have littered the entire terrestrial surface of Mars with unsightly multimillion-dollar science garbage. The Opportunity rover is even taking photographic evidence of its own debris!
Thank you in advance. I look forward to your reply.
Yours truly,
-Alex Italics
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| A letter I sent to Heaveno |
[01 Jan 2008|04:27am] |
Hola,
My name is Alex and I live in Tucson, Arizona. I have recently become aware of your campaign to have the word "hello" stricken from common English usage and replaced with "heaveno."
 As your website states, the word "heaveno" was coined by Leonso Canales, Jr. in an attempt to popularize an alternative greeting that omits the four-letter place of eternal damnation from within the word “hello” and replaces it with the friendly upstairs neighbor. Ten years ago, Mr. Canales was successful in urging his hometown of Kingsville, Texas to adopt the modified term by encouraging the Kleberg County commissioners to designate "heaveno" as the official county greeting. Since then, Mr. Canales has set his sights even higher. His crusade aims to wipe "hello" from common usage in an effort to ensure "a promise of good health care" and "employment for the future."
I couldn't agree more! Our days of subconsciously coopting the name of the darkest place imaginable into our everyday vocabulary must come to an immediate end, and I commend Mr. Canales for his work. However, there are a few other instances of unnecessary negative imagery within common words that I would like to add to future campaigns.
For example, the word "shell" has just got to go. Although the usage of "shell" may not be as common as "hello," the fact remains that every time we send our children to the beach to collect "seashells" we are needlessly conjuring images of brimstone and gnashing of teeth. As Mr. Canales discovered, this can be easily remedied by replacing the unfavorable word with "heaven," creating the new word "sheaven." Here is an example of the new term in use: "I'm not gonna sheaven out twelve bucks for this lousy bible!"
Another word I'm not too comfortable using inside of other words is "hades." After all, it's basically nothing but a synonym for the other not-so-friendly word in question. I can't help but feel a little sad (not to mention far away from "good health care" and "employment") every time I have to use the word "shades." Instead, I propose that we use the more positive term "spearlygates." Here's an example: "Some people are hellbent on forcefully thrusting their rose-colored spearlygates on the rest of us."
What could possibly be more evil than cramming the actual word "evil" into otherwise wholesome words? I have always loved vaudeville theater, but something always just didn't feel right about the name. After discovering your website, it hit me. It was right there all along, plain as day in the title! "VaudEVILle!" From now on we will have to call it "vaudkingdomofgodle."
Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not really comfortable with the word "hell" being used in any context, even when literally referencing the afterlife destination for the wicked. Let's strike it entirely from our vocabulary and just go with "heaven" instead. From now on, we can curse the incompetent drivers who cut us off by shaking our fists and bellowing, "To heaven with you!" Although it might make sermons a little more confusing, it's a small price to pay for the fun of arbitrarily mangling words to amend a fictional etymology by invoking religious dogma.
I am behind you one-hundred-percent in this campaign, and I have already taken action in the "Heaveno Revolutiono" by contacting our two biggest enemies (the Shell Oil Company and my friend Hellen [![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) _forthebirds]) and threatening to withhold from them both patronage and friendship unless they conform to the transition. I hope I can count on you for support on both of these fronts.
Yours truly,
-Alex Italics
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| A letter I sent to Weight Watchers |
[01 Dec 2007|06:03pm] |
Hello,
My name is Alex and I live in Tucson, Arizona. As I'm sure virtually anyone who knows me will agree, I have notoriously bad eating habits. Truth be told, I have a rich history of being a desperately picky eater despite the potentially damaging effect of my selective diet to my health. Although I don't consider myself dangerously overweight (nor do I consider myself to be particularly unhealthy), I have nevertheless become increasingly concerned about the ramifications of my eating habits on my overall health. While searching for alternative approaches to dieting, I discovered your organization. After reading some exciting literature about your program, I have a question that I hope you can answer.
 I instantly became intrigued with your "Flex Plan" and the freedom it will allow me in food selection. As you are aware, the Flex Plan involves the use of a patented formula to determine a point value for anything one desires to consume. The plan also generates an allotment of points for the participant which they may "spend" on anything they desire during the day. As long as one doesn't overspend his or her daily point total, anything seems to be fair game for consumption. Therefore, the Flex Plan is perhaps the most accommodating diet program to someone like myself who doesn't want a rigid program to place complicated restrictions on the things that I can or can't eat. On your website, you go out of your way to specifically state that the Flex Plan grants participants the freedom to eat whatever they would like, as long as it is in balance with their point totals.
In an unrelated debacle, I have found myself in the possession of a Showtime™ Standard Chicken Rotisserie, manufactured by the Ronco™ Corporation and marketed by Ron Popeil himself. As advertised on late-night television, the Showtime™ Standard Rotisserie is a compact and easy-to-use oven designed for cooking chickens. Although I have previously been a big fan of both the Showtime™ Standard Rotisserie and the chicken cooked within, my new attitude about broadening my food horizons has caused me to make the voluntary decision to abandon (at least temporarily) the consumption of chicken in favor of greener pastures (no pun intended). As you can see, this decision has left me with both an unused Showtime™ Standard Rotisserie and a vacancy in my diet.
I think I have a solution that satisfies both of these difficult problems.
I would like to eat my Showtime™ Standard Chicken Rotisserie, and I feel that the Weight Watchers "Flex Plan" will allow me to accomplish this. However, I am anticipating difficulty in assigning a point value to the Showtime™ Standard Rotisserie. On your website, you state that the point value is determined by calories, fat and fiber. Without a nutrition label, it might be difficult to discern these properties. I mean, the outer shell of the Showtime™ Standard Rotisserie seems to be predominantly made of plastic. How many calories are in plastic, anyway? How many servings would the Showtime™ Standard Rotisserie be? When advertising your Flex Plan in the UK, you chose the slogan "Where no food is a sin." I'm not much of a bible scholar, but I seem to recall no theological issues with consuming a small chicken oven.
Please write back as soon as possible with tips for me about my plan to fully consume my Showtime™ Standard Rotisserie. I have already written to its inventor, Ron Popeil, for advice, but I think your organization might be of greater assistance to me. You advertise your program under the idea that I can consume whatever I'd like. I'd like to consume my Ronco™ Showtime™ Standard Chicken Rotisserie.
Thank you in advance. I look forward to your reply.
Yours truly,
-Alex Italics
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| A letter I sent to Macy*s |
[11 Nov 2007|05:45am] |
Hello,
 My name is Alex and I live in Tucson, Arizona. Before I begin, I would like to take an opportunity to compliment your wonderful company on over 100 years of fantastic products, friendly sales associates, excellent stores, and breathtaking Thanksgiving Day Parades. With all of your flawlessly-implemented business practices, it should come as no surprise that you were able to utterly destroy those pathetic charlatans, Gimbels, and send them into closure. However, I hope you have since altered your company policy to no longer instruct the Santa Claus at your store locations to send parents off to shop at Gimbels, as it appears that the Gimbels chain closed permanently in 1997. Good riddance!
I am writing this letter to inform you of a large purchase I plan on making at a Macy*s store in the near future. I hope that if I give you fair notice the locations in my area will be better prepared to handle my order when the time comes for this transaction. As you have a rich history of top-notch customer service, I'm sure that you will have no problem in meeting my every need and ensuring that this will be a mutually enjoyable experience.
Thanks to the bountiful cornucopia of good fortune that is the modern internet, I have been provided with a unique and exciting opportunity. Over the next few weeks, it seems that I will be obtaining approximately $33,500 in Macy*s gift cards. All of these gift cards will be in $500 denominations, and all of them will be obtained by me for free. Although these gift cards will be coming from a variety of sources, I have counted the offers several times over and can assure you that there are no less than 67 of them awaiting redemption by me.
You may be curious as to how these gift cards will be coming into my possession. I have a personal profile on the online networking site "MySpace" that allows me to connect with my closest friends. Several of these friends have recently gone out of their way to inform me about a plan they have discovered to procure $500 Macy*s gift cards at absolutely no cost. I consider these people to be among my closest friends (and as such would surely be looking out only for my best interests), so I have decided to take these offers at face value. After the assurance of my friends that this plan "really, really works," I have clicked on the provided links and already started the necessary procedure to redeem my gift cards. I'm not exactly sure why they need so much personal information about me, but for $33,500 worth of fine Macy*s products I can't complain!
You can imagine how excited I am about this. In fact, I am SO excited that I have apparently already told virtually all of my MySpace friends about the offers via personal messages and comments on their profiles! Although I don't exactly remember specifically typing these messages, I'm sure I was simply too blinded by my own sheer excitement to realize I was doing so.
Here's a rough idea of how I would like to spend my $33,500, so that your stores can be prepared for my arrival: 1 Shower Clock Radio, 1 Totes Golf Stick Umbrella, 1 Heated Auto Mug, and 900 units of Dance Mania: Techno Light Plug N Play Game.
I would also like to know if your company would be interested in purchasing several thousand cell phone ring tones that I will also be acquiring in the not-too-distant future over the internet. There are plenty more where that came from, as I have been practicing and I can now consistently out-armwrestle George W. Bush.
Thank you in advance. I look forward to your reply.
Yours truly,
-Alex Italics
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| A letter I sent to the Electronic Frontier Foundation |
[02 Nov 2007|04:04pm] |
Hello,
My name is Alex and I live in Tucson, Arizona. I wanted to write to you and tell you how much I support your organization and everything for which you stand, specifically regarding your views on the legitimacy of peer-to-peer filesharing of music and movies. I believe that it is imperative that we unite against these faceless, soulless corporations and show them that we will not kowtow to their materialistic greed. That being said, I would like to ask you for your assistance in what I'm sure you'll agree is a closely related matter.
 Recently I was watching television particularly late at night. As I was just about to turn off my set and retire to bed, something captured my attention. After the program I was staying up to watch had ended, a new talk show began that seemed to center around a specific product and various testimonials from satisfied customers. The product was the Showtime™ Standard Rotisserie, invented by the most charismatic elixir salesman on television, Ron Popeil, and manufactured, sold and distributed by the Ronco™ Corporation of Simi Valley, California. What an amazing product this seemed to be! I was mesmerized by its ability to cook chicken like no rotisserie ever has before. "Set it, and forget it!"
I knew I just HAD to have this product, no matter what. As I was dialing the phone number, credit card in-hand, I suddenly had a thought: What if I could acquire this product WITHOUT paying for it? That would be amazing! Better yet, wouldn't it be even cooler if I could someone create duplicate copies of the Ronco™ Showtime™ Standard Rotisserie to distribute for free to anyone who asks? Ah, but what if this could be construed as stealing, both legally and ethically? Stealing is wrong!
As I was faced with this intriguing moral dilemma, I reached several conclusions:
- I owe no loyalty to the Ronco™ Corporation, only to Ron Popeil. Ronco™ is just some faceless corporation that happens to be the means by which all of Ron Popeil's inventions are sold. The man is clearly an artist who is being suffocated by the fatcat capitalist bastards at Ronco™.
- Distributing Showtime™ Standard Rotisserie carbon copies is free advertisement for the Ronco™ Corporation, and ultimately Mr. Popeil's other ventures. They should thank me! All I'd be doing by giving away Showtime™ Standard Rotisseries for free is getting the word out about Ronco™ products. Everytime someone smells my delicious chicken, it's like free advertising for them.
- Ron Popeil does not personally benefit from Showtime™ Standard Rotisserie sales NEARLY as much as the Ronco™ Corporation does. What vultures those guys are! They take a piece of art like the Showtime™ Standard Rotisserie, package it up for mass-merchandising and sell it to the people with paid advertising. And to imagine, they have the audacity to collect the bulk of the profit yielded from a venture of which they possess the sole financial risk!
- The Ronco™ Corporation already gives Showtime™ Standard Rotisserie samples away for free. Whether it's through sales promotions or just by inviting passers by in crowded shopping malls to sample chicken from the Showtime™ Standard Rotisserie for a videotaped infomercial testimonial, Ronco™ clearly doesn't mind giving away the use of their product some of the time, therefore they shouldn't mind if I take the liberty of deciding when, where and how their product is given away for free.
- The Showtime™ Standard Rotisseries being produced are of substandard quality anyway, so why SHOULD I pay for it? The Ronco™ Corporation has been making the Showtime™ Standard Rotisserie for over a decade, and it is my personal opinion that over time the quality of the product has suffered. What once was a fresh, raw and passionate chicken rotisserie has been reduced to a corporate puppet of a chicken rotisserie, manufactured exclusively in the name of profit.
- If the receiver of the cloned Showtime™ Standard Rotisserie wouldn't have otherwise purchased one, no harm done! Plenty of the people to whom I plan to give away Showtime™ Standard Rotisseries are people who would never purchase a Showtime™ Standard Rotisserie or otherwise contribute financially to the Ronco™ Corporation or Ron Popeil. Therefore, I'm not stealing any of their business, right?
That about sums it up. I think I was mostly successful in backwards-justifying the ethics of my plan, but I still need your assistance. I would like your organization to help me bring this issue to the forefront of property rights issues. I have already written a letter to the Ronco™ Corporation demanding all the information I need to make Showtime™ Standard Rotisserie duplicates, but they have so far been unwilling to comply with my natural right to duplicate their product and undermine their sales. I just can't get over how selfish and greedy it is of them to not let me have everything I want for free!
Thank you in advance and I look forward to your reply.
Yours truly,
-Alex Italics P.S. Oh, I almost forgot. You guys don't mind if I call my Showtime™ Standard Rotisserie duplicates "Electronic Frontier Foundations Standard Rotisseries" right? I mean, hey... "all intellectual property is theft!"
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| A letter I received from Scrabble master Paul Phillips |
[28 Oct 2007|05:31am] |
Dear Alex,
 My lifelong hobby has been writing letters to people whose hobby is letter-writing if and when such people send me an envelope in the mail but fail to include a letter despite the fact that writing letters of the sort that isn't enclosed is the sender's hobby. This hobby has thus far been defined by long periods of inactivity punctuated by moments of rage and humiliation when envelopes of the aforedescribed sort appear in my mailbox. I am possessed by those emotions as I write this and I'm afraid they've rendered me too worked up to continue with this letter, but thank-you for rekindling my enthusiasm for my longest standing hobby.
Sincerely,
Paul Phillips (tears)
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| A letter I sent to my science professor |
[23 Aug 2007|11:29pm] |
Hello,
My name is Alex and I am a student in one of your science classes. Before I begin, I would like to say how much I have so far enjoyed your lectures. I look forward to the work I will be doing this semester!
I am writing you this letter in regards to something I have both read in your syllabus and heard you mention several times during lectures this week. It appears that during your grading procedure you utilize a relatively new online service called "Turnitin." Turnitin is offered by iParadigms, a corporation based in Oakland, California founded by entrepreneur John Barrie. As you know, Turnitin is a plagiarism detection service that uses a database of previously written papers as a filter for any assignment submitted by a student or teacher. This database comprises all of the previously submitted papers, making it a constantly growing pool. In fact, according to the iParadigms website, Turnitin sometimes receives as many as 20,000 papers a day. Once a paper is authenticated, it is entered into the Turnitin database and used by Turnitin to verify the authenticity of documents submitted by paid members of the service. Currently, more than 9,000 schools worldwide license iParadigms' "Plagiarism Prevention" services.
 In 2003, John Barrie reported to Wired Magazine that iParadigms' annual revenue was $10 million, mostly due to a $1,000 university licensing fee and an annual charge of 60 cents per student. Mr. Barrie also told Business Week Magazine in March of 2007 that membership of Plagiarism Prevention had doubled every year for the past seven years and that he plans to sign up 100,000 new institutions over the next 10 years.
In short, iParadigms has built itself into a multimillion dollar international corporation through a constantly growing database of student-written material. How much of this revenue is returned to the student for the constant use of his or her work?
The answer is zero dollars. iParadigms does not compensate the authors, nor do they obtain express permission from the authors to use their work without compensation. Therefore, it would seem to me that the business operated by iParadigms is a blatant violation of United States copyright law.
I am apparently not the only student who feels this way. In 2005, two students at McGill University declined to pass their work to Turnitin. The McGill University Senate Committee on Student Grievances eventually ruled that their academic work was to be graded and evaluated without the use of Turnitin. In 2006, students at McLean High School who had formed a student rights committee to debate their schools' adoption of Turnitin were sued by iParadigms but not brought to trial. Earlier this year, students from Desert Vista High School here in Arizona joined the McLean students in filing suit in the United States Circuit Court against iParadigms for copyright infringement. iParadigms' motion to dismiss was denied shortly thereafter.
Until this current litigation is resolved and precedence is set, I would really appreciate it if I could personally refrain from using the Turnitin services.
I know that this may seem like a trivial issue that I am raising, but I have a special interest in the field of intellectual property and copyright law. In fact, it is my intent to pursue a career in this very field after graduation! I have a lot of respect for both intellectual property rights and academic integrity, but academic integrity at the cost of sacrificing individual rights presents a startling new definition of the word "integrity."
I have nothing but respect for you as a professor, and I understand that combating plagiarism in the digital age presents new and difficult challenges. Academic integrity is a very important issue, and any threat should be taken very seriously. However, I do not condone the sacrifice of my personal rights to catch cheaters. Truth be told, it would be much easier to prevent murder and other crime if every citizen were personally monitored by a law enforcement official at all times, but the ends unfortunately do not justify the means.
As I stated earlier, I do look forward to all of the work we will be doing in class this semester. I have interest in the material we will be studying, and I promise to work diligently on all of my assignments.
Thank you for your time. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or concerns. I am more than happy to further discuss this issue with you.
Yours truly,
-Alex Italics
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| A letter I sent to 20 American universities |
[13 Jun 2007|03:36pm] |
Hello,
 My name is Alex and I live in Tucson, Arizona. First of all, I would like to compliment your university as being one of our nation's finest. Although I have never had the privilege of attending classes at your wonderful institution, I consider myself truly loyal to your college. Go [INSERT TEAM MASCOT NAME HERE]!
It is my understanding that your university offers honorary degrees to distinguished individuals who have shown a considerable contribution to society in a particular field. I think that this is an excellent idea! Sure, under a TRADITIONAL scenario, one must study hard and prove that they are skilled in his or her field in order to be graced with a graduate or post-graduate degree. However, if one prove themselves to be successful WITHOUT the whole tedious "learning" part of the plan, surely he or she should be recognized for their own backwards, unorthodox and unlikely achievement. It's kind of like "testing out" of school all together!
Therefore, I would like to apply for an honorary degree from your university. Now, I'm aware that these degrees are USUALLY reserved for celebrities, politicians and respected artists or scientists. I'm also aware that I am none of these things. Nevertheless, I feel that I should be recognized for what I excel at and awarded an appropriate degree.
Let me give you a little bit of info about my academic background: I was born and raised in Tucson, Arizona where I attended elementary school, middle school and high school. In all of these areas of study, I was awarded a traditional diploma and NOT an honorary diploma (though I did attempt to apply for one in high school and was turned down). After graduating high school, I attended a community college in Tucson for 1.5 semesters, but ultimately decided to discontinue that pursuit after I realized that my local community college does not offer an honorary degree program. Since then, I have not attended a college or university and have spent my time working menial retail jobs and not exploring my full potential. I feel that an honorary degree will give me opportunity to pursue a variety of important career fields.
Here is a brief list of the different fields in which I am interested in obtaining an honorary degree. Please keep in mind that I am willing to accept an honorary bachelor's degree, an honorary master's degree or an honorary doctorate. I am not picky, although I do have a preference for the doctorate. I've always wanted to be called "Doctor," and when I try to do it now people usually catch on that I'm lying. If you feel that I am qualified to receive an honorary degree in a field that I have not mentioned, let's talk! Chances are I'm willing to work with you.
HONORARY DEGREE OF LAW: I have always been very interested in the legal field and I have had multiple opportunities to view our justice system first-hand. I have been called to jury duty twice, and I was even able to serve on a jury once. Although I was eventually selected as the alternate juror, I spent nearly the entire trial just checking out the judicial process. It's quite fascinating! I have also spent a great deal of time with an even CLOSER look at our judicial system, as my driver's license has previously been suspended and I had to go to court several times in order to have it reinstated. I also love Law & Order! That show is great. Do you guys offer a "Special Victims Unit" degree?
HONORARY DEGREE OF SCIENCE: Science is awesome, and I used to love playing with my chemistry set when I was younger. I just never get tired of seeing that spectacular vinegar-baking soda reaction. I do it over and over! Sometimes I even build a little volcano model to add to the realism of the experiment. Although I barely passed the science requirements in high school, I can assure you that I am always amazed by the scientific method. If I am awarded this degree, I plan to devote my life to understanding many of today's scientific mysteries. Like black holes. What's up with those things?
HONORARY DEGREE OF BUSINESS: If there's one thing I know about, it's money. I just recently spent the last 8 months gambling for a living, so statistics and probabilities as they relate to money would be my specialty. As I mentioned previously, I have spent many of my post-high school years working menial retail jobs, so I have a very good understanding of how to operate a successful business. First, like the sign says, "Employees must wash hands!" Second, when calling in and saying that you will be absent for the day, it is important to vary your excuses but keep them well within the realm of plausibility. If your grandmother "dies" three times in one week, people are bound to notice.
I thank you very much for your time, and I anxiously await your reply. I would prefer if you would just send me my paper certificate through the mail, but if you traditionally award your honorary degrees during graduation ceremonies, I am more than willing to accommodate. However, can you guys pay for my airfare and accommodations? I'll be a little low on cash until I get my new career together.
Thanks again!
Yours truly,
-Alex Italics
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| A letter I sent to Adbusters.org |
[10 Jun 2007|07:11pm] |
Hello,
My name is Alex and I have a very important request for you. Before I get into that, I would like to be sure that I am correct in my understanding of your organization's mission statement and beliefs.
 I have recently become aware of your "TV Turnoff Week" campaign. During this time period, you encourage everyone to abandon "passive entertainment" of any variety such as television sets, video game consoles, DVD players and video iPods. According to you, the information communicated by the television industry is created by a very small group of people and thrust upon the masses in the name of profit and complacency. You describe television commercials as possessing "unhealthy" and "unwelcome" messages, and you hope that eliminating television influence will have a broadening effect upon the public.
Television, like all other communication achievements of mankind, brings good and bad results. For example, with the printed word we get things like newspapers, medical textbooks, and the complete works of William Shakespeare. However, in order to appreciate these things we must also get less desirable outcomes like Mein Kampf, junk mail and Ziggy comic strips. In the medium of television, we make similar trades all the time. Sure, we get to see the human race landing on the moon for the first time, but in exchange we have to put up with reruns of "7th Heaven." Fortunately, we have the built-in power of discretion. If I only want to read Shakespeare and not Hitler, I simply don't read Mein Kampf. If "7th Heaven" comes on right after the moon landing, I get up and turn off the television before it starts. It's just that simple, and it doesn't have to involve throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
One of the products you offer on your website is a "TV-B-Gone" television zapper which is basically a glorified portable universal remote that can be used to turn off television sets in public places. This product epitomizes the hypocrisy that your organization preaches by allowing one single critic of television to determine what the population at large may choose to watch. It is this very concept that you attack within the television industry; Marketing executives make the same decisions everyday for large groups of people.
To push your agenda, you have decided to use what is clearly the most effective and persuasive force that is available to us today. Something that has self-evident veracity and is obviously free of tampering or misrepresentation. That's right, the internet petition! Since you started your "Media Carta" online petition, you have accumulated over 25,000 electronic signatures. If these figures were correct, it would be difficult to argue that your views don't represent a large faction of the public. However, I checked out your petition and noticed some particularly interesting folks that have "signed" your Media Carta. Here's a recap of some of my favorites just within the most recent of your signatures: "Haaaaa Haaaaa," "sfw ergag," and my personal favorite "etjgwvao; sghhgg." Either there are some parents out there with interesting senses of humor or quite a few of the electronic signatures are complete nonsense.
Perhaps your most ambitious effort has been your "Uncommercial" campaign where you attempted to purchase advertising time from major media networks to air your short advertisements for your website and your TV Turnoff Week. From what I understand, CNN agreed to air the segments three times, whereas all the other networks wouldn't really give you the time of day. I definitely understand how frustrating that can be!
Which brings me to that very important question for you that I mentioned earlier. I would like you to run the following banner advertisement on your website which displays my personal views of what you organization does:
This banner campaign will kick off "Adbusters Turnoff Week" and hopefully give momentum to the "Kill your 'Kill your Television' Fanatic" movement. I trust that you will have no problem giving me this forum to thrust my own personal beliefs onto your otherwise happy audience.
Thank you in advance. I look forward to your reply.
Yours truly,
-Alex Italics
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| A letter I sent to survivalist organizations |
[16 May 2007|08:01pm] |
Hello,
 My name is Alex. First of all, I would like to thank you for providing the world with a wealth of knowledge regarding survival in wilderness situations. However, I have a troubling question and would appreciate your assistance. A few evenings ago, I attended a dinner party with several friends and the topic of survivalism arose. Many questions were asked, and although I answered them fairly quickly, I have since been pondering my answers quite heavily. Since you are very skilled in this arena, I would like to ask your opinion about my answers.
The main question that we seemed to focus on was: (to the best of my memory) "When stranded on a desert island, what books, movies and albums will best aide your survival?"
Initially, I answered the Beatles' "White Album." I found this appropriate because it is a double-album, and therefore will provide twice the resources when I need to break it into sharp objects to use for fishing and other activities. The pages of an exceptionally large book (for example "War and Peace" by Leo Tolstoy) seems like it would provide many uses such as kindling for signal fires and possible bandages for injuries. Perhaps a phone book would work better? I got kind of hung up on the movie question. It seems to me that ANY movie would be of equal benefit, as long as it is in VHS video-cassette format. Not only can the plastic be used to make several important tools, the video tape itself can be braided into rope for a variety of jobs.
In honesty, I find this question to be quite silly. In this situation, I would GLADLY trade any of these items for something helpful like a compass, a pocket knife or a first-aid kit. Why am I only traveling with objects typically used for entertainment purposes? I think my dinner guests agreed with me, as the subject was dropped shortly after my answers were given.
Nevertheless, my friends have told me that this is a topic that is debated heavily at social gatherings. I highly doubt this, as I have searched through all the information I could find about your survivalist organization and have found nothing relating to this question. Perhaps you could include a section, as I feel it would be a great help to my friends. They chose ridiculous items that provide minimal assistance in survival situations. In fact, one of my friends picked "The Stranger" by Albert Camus. That's a tiny book! It can't possibly have even a quarter of the resources that a standard telephone directory would have when destroyed and set ablaze.
Please write me and let me know what your selections will be. I will purchase a copy of each and travel with them at all times.
Thank you in advance and I look forward to your reply.
Yours truly,
-Alex Italics
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( A response from Survival Monkey )
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| A letter I sent to Tucson Medical Center |
[11 May 2007|04:19am] |
Hello,
My name is Alex. I would like to compliment you on just one of the many fantastic services provided at Tucson Medical Center. Although I have been a patient at your hospital several times in my past and received excellent care, this letter is not about a health-related area of service.
 Back in 2001, a friend of mine was having breathing problems, so we decided to play it safe and visit your Emergency Room. While she was waiting in the back to receive care, I stayed in the main waiting area. I know you guys do all you can to lower the wait time for patients, but I still found myself sitting alone in the waiting room for a couple of hours. Eventually, I got pretty hungry. Vending machine food isn't really my thing, so I decided to wander and forage for food elsewhere. I followed the signs (which were most helpful) and eventually located your cafeteria.
The first thing I noticed while deciding what to eat were your prices. They are very reasonable! In fact, I was able to find a nutritious, delicious and filling meal for under five dollars. The service was friendly, and the atmosphere was very comfortable. All in all, I had a wonderful dining experience! My friend was eventually treated, and made a full and speedy recovery.
I was so impressed with your cafeteria facilities that I have since continued to eat there on a fairly regular basis. In fact, I try to eat at your cafeteria at least once every couple of months. The food is excellent and very competitively priced. As I am such a big fan, I have tried to bring my friends along to your cafeteria. However, most of my friends are somewhat "turned off" by the idea, and have cited a couple of reasons as to why they are reluctant to enjoy a meal at a hospital cafeteria.
Some of them have said that eating in a hospital is "gross." I don't know how they can come to that conclusion without first seeing your dining hall. The kitchen and seating area were extremely clean. My friends must have the notion that your hospital staff are literally wheeling bodies right through the dining area, or that the entire establishment is full of sick people with highly communicable diseases. Both of these statements do not reflect the atmosphere I experience at the Tucson Medical Center cafeteria ONE BIT. In fact, I would venture a guess that there are far more sick people at your average McDonald's than at your hospital!
 My other friends seem to think that there is something "wrong" with using a hospital's cafeteria when you aren't there for medical reasons. They have not been shy in accusing me of "taking advantage" of your cafeteria services. I don't believe this to be the case, as I am compensating your hospital directly when I pay for my food. Is this correct? Am I allowed to eat there when I am not using your health care services?
I was thinking of a few things you guys could do to improve PR and increase customer traffic at your cafeteria. For example, you may want to consider offering a street entrance directly to the cafeteria. When I go there, I usually find that the easiest route is to enter through the Emergency Room entrance (especially after 8:00pm). When I do manage to convince my friends to join me, being in the emergency waiting area usually turns them off right away. If there was an entrance I could use without passing directly by patients waiting for emergency care, I may be able to actually get my friends to join me. Also, maybe a soup-of-the-day?
Please let me know if you regularly offer any promotional discounts in your hospital cafeteria of which I am not currently aware. It would be great if you had a "Kids Night" or a "Happy Hour." Hey! Maybe you could get a membership card program where you get a hole punched for each visit and your 10th visit is free. I could definitely use a program like this!
Thank you in advance and I look forward to your reply. Maybe I'll see you on your lunch break?
Yours truly,
-Alex Italics
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| A letter I sent to Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures |
[08 May 2007|01:34am] |
Hello,
My name is Alex. It is my understanding (and also my hope) that under certain circumstances a refund can be provided to a customer who patronizes one of your films and feels deeply dissatisfied with the quality and/or content. I would like to begin by saying that I do not write letters requesting refunds often. Truth be told, this movie has prompted the first request that I have ever written for a refund of a ticket price. Please hear me out, as you will soon discover that I am having difficulty obtaining a response on this matter.
 On Monday, November 27th, 1989, I attended the 8:20pm showing of your film, "PRANCER" at the El Dorado Theater (5925 E Broadway Blvd) in Tucson, Arizona. This showing was on Screen No. 3. I sat near the 12th row, about 5 or 6 seats in from (house) right. Although initially I was on the fence, after giving it a little bit of careful thought I have come to the conclusion that I am deeply dissatisfied with this film. Therefore, I am requesting a full refund of my ticket price. According to my stub, I paid $4.25 for this showing. I will be happy to accept this refund in the form of a check, money order, or a coupon for $4.25 off my next visit to one of your films. Please note that if you decide to issue my refund by way of check or money order, I have every intention of spending the $4.25 on the ticket price of another of your films.
I have already attempted to contact several other parties regarding my refund, but I have thus far been unsuccessful in finding someone to take responsibility for customer satisfaction regarding this product. Although "PRANCER" was theatrically released by Orion Pictures, that company seems to have declared bankruptcy in 1992 and is now the financially responsibility of your company, MGM Pictures. When I originally viewed this film, the El Dorado Theater was owned by Cineplex Odeon, which merged with Loews Theaters in 1998. However, this new company has since been acquired by AMC Entertainment. Therefore, it can be easy to understand why my refund letters to these companies (originally sent last week) have been lost in the shuffle. All of my letters that have been sent directly to the El Dorado Theater have come back "Return-To-Sender." This would make some sense, as the El Dorado Theater closed down several years ago, was demolished, and eventually rebuilt as a "Linens 'N Things" retail outlet. Needless to say, "Linens 'N Things" has [CENSORED - see below].
In closing, I would just like to add that other than "PRANCER," I have otherwise enjoyed myself thoroughly while watching your films throughout the years. Keep up all the (mostly) good work!
Thank you in advance and I look forward to your reply.
Yours truly,
-Alex Italics
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